This is part two in my series about maternity leave, returning to work, and my decision to be a stay at home mom. You can read part one here.
When I was really struggling with finding a work-life balance, I looked at a million blog entries and posts across the web—some helped and some made me feel even worse for not having my shit together. I found a lot of great suggestions about how to manage stressful mornings, how to handle the financial pressure of having a newborn (read: child care expenses), how to do meal prep on the weekends to make dinnertime less frantic—but what I needed was a more manageable path toward self-care. I was stretched too thin, and ultimately I found the pace I had set for myself to be unsustainable. Whether or not you’re a new parent, we’ve all experienced tough times and stressful transitions. These tips are universal, but I am approaching them through the lens of a former full-time mom and worker and currently as a stay at home mom.
I was really scared about sharing my story, but I’ve had great support from friends and my loving partner. I wrote this piece for myself to put into words everything I felt and agonized over this last year. The ongoing lesson I’m learning is that I don’t want to make decisions from a place of fear. It’s in that spirit that I hit publish and have kept myself from running over here and hitting delete.
Around this time last year, I was headed back to work after my maternity leave. It was a time fraught with emotional highs and lows. Now, almost everywhere I turn, I read something that hits me where it (still) hurts. I recently read an interview by the New York Post with Meghann Foye, in which she promotes an idea through her novel that childless women deserve time off to find themselves, a meternity leave, a benefit she sees her childbearing counterparts have over her. I’m not going to say that the concept of meternity leave is stupid per se, because I am not against anyone getting a break from work if they need it, but I will say that Foye’s ideas about maternity leave are wrong.
Maternity leave, paid or unpaid, if you are lucky enough to get it in any capacity in the US, is hard work. Babies are demanding, including the most even-tempered of them—and nothing can really prepare you for their relentless needs. Entering parenthood is about learning an entirely new mode of survival; it’s not the idyllic or “self-reflective” time that some might imagine. While “self-advocacy” is certainly a skill some mothers learn, let’s not jump to the conclusion that mothers are confident or “sure of themselves” when they return to work, or that their workplace “provides a modicum of flexibility,” as Foye claims in her interview with Anna Davies about her novel.
I was nervous to go back to work last year, but I had never seriously considered being a stay at home parent either. I lacked any sort of models in my life of what that might look like. Simply put, dual income households were all that I knew. I prepared by doing my research and following helpful checklists provided by many bloggers. My first major hurdle was lining up child care when I didn’t get my first choice at the conveniently located campus daycare, though I’d been on a wait list for almost a year. I opted for an in-home provider about four miles away from campus, thinking that I could make the trip there and back during lunch to see my son and nurse. I had heard from so many working mothers that finding childcare close to the office was key in making the transition back to work a relatively happy one. After that, I made freezer meals, practiced with my breast pump, bought postpartum work clothes, gave myself an at-home mani-pedi, and packed up all my essentials in a new little bag. I was as ready as I’d ever be.
This bag was the only cute thing about going back to work.
I knew that going back to my office would be difficult. The dynamic had changed substantially with new leadership and staff changes, but nothing could really prepare me for the reality of what that would mean as a new mom. My whole first month of work was a comedy of errors—it started with needing to queue with dozens of others just to get my parking privileges reinstated, having to pump breastmilk in a common room with only paper signs providing security because the mini-blinds I’d doggedly requested for months before my leave were still not ordered (and when they did arrive were the wrong size and my fourth floor window was broken during the installation), organizing a massive clean up of the 4×4 office kitchen because it was Kitchen Nightmares‘ level of filthy, and having so many mistakes on my paycheck that I became a frequent visitor at Accounting (and probably should have received one of those frozen yogurt punch cards because at least then I would have gotten something free on my tenth visit). Those things were all stressful, but the absolute most gut-wrenching thing that happened was on my very first day back. I asked my new supervisor if I could leave ten minutes early, and she asked me why. Why do you need to leave early?
Why? WHY??? I felt flames on the side of my face. I needed to leave early that day and would probably need to on others for the same reason—my child. I was parked a quarter mile away from my office since I’d been at parking services for over an hour (see above) and by the time I had a permit all the closer lots were full. I was responsible for drop-offs and pick-ups and there was no margin for error. You have to pay fines at daycare if you’re late, on top of the incredibly hefty monthly price tag (think mortgage payment or college tuition).
Next she asked when. When are you going to make up your time? I had no real way of making up my time—I had allotted my lunch breaks for seeing my kid to nurse, and if I stayed at work instead I’d still need to take another (unpaid) break to pump breastmilk. I couldn’t come to work earlier or stay later because I had to do the pick-ups and drop-offs (see above). So what could I say? I had no answer that would be acceptable. I mumbled something and darted out of the building, embarrassed and truly worried about my future as a working mom.
I felt the weight of my decision to return to work for what it was—a nightmare, a waking one that kept me on edge all the time. I couldn’t sleep, I felt sick and anxious at night and on the weekends because I was scared to go to work. What if I was late? What if I had to leave early? What if someone needed me while I was pumping breastmilk? What if I hadn’t anticipated the needs of everyone else around me like I used to before I had a child?
I felt alone, and everyone I turned to was in a different (and sometimes) slightly better situation than me. I talked to women who were in positions of authority and I found that they largely got to make their own rules about their schedule. I talked to friends who had very flexible supervisors and cooperative units that did give them the “modicum of flexibility” to work from home a couple hours a week or clock a few hours checking email on nights and weekends. I had friends who were able to work part-time, and had a family network of support for childcare. I had none of those things in my favor, so I clung to the idea that it would get easier with time. It didn’t.
I am a sucker for blog posts with enticing titles offering tips and trick to keep my house clean. I recently saw a post about twenty things people do on a daily basis to keep a tidy house, and I just about went bananas. TWENTY THINGS. Without clicking, I conjured up a list in my head and stopped at ten because twenty things seem impossible for the average person.
This year I reimagined what kind of home I want to keep, and it’s inspired new routines and the way I look at my space and interact with my things. My house is a reflection of how I see life–a work in progress. I’m not done organizing or decorating, and I’m totally okay with that. My house is far from what some would consider clean, but on most days, my house is clean enough for me.
Five tips for having a cleaner and happier home:
Some of the following include Amazon affiliate links, which means that if you click on one of the product links and make a purchase, I’ll receive a percentage of that sale at no cost to you. All thoughts and opinions are my own. For a full disclosure statement see my About page.
Your home should be a judgement free zone
Have you ever gone over to a friend’s and she profusely apologies for the state of her house? Do you insist that her house is fine, and that it’s not a mess at all. You say, “Oh please, you should see my place!” My guess is you’re very familiar with this type of exchange. If you don’t judge your friend for the state of her home, why are you judging yourself so harshly? Your home should be a judgement free zone.
Little messes exist wherever we dwell because that’s where we live. Let’s work on being proud of our homes, no matter the state they’re in at any given moment.
How you judge someone else’s home says nothing about them and everything about you
If you find yourself inwardly cringing at your friend’s house and thinking, “Ugh, get it together, sister. Your house is a dump,” I implore you to take a good look at yourself in the mirror. Judging someone else because their home is not to your standard is a reflection of your own internal struggle to feel good enough. Being critical is the result of insecurity, and while mocking and judging may create a sense of superiority, italso seriously undercuts any potential for true friendship.
It’s human nature to compare ourselves to others, but let’s minimize this kind of negative thinking and focus on positivity instead. An attitude adjustment can go a long way in making a home happier.
Figure out what works for you and don’t get fatalistic
I’m a messy person, but I’m trying to reform. I haven’t perfected a system for keeping my home truly neat, but I haven’t given up yet. One area I really struggle with is my son’s toy collection.
My house post-Christmas.
After Christmas my husband and I read the now infamous The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. Marie Kondo helped us confront our issues with purging items that had been gifted to us. We were able to effectively sort this massive toy pile into bags we dropped off for donation and organized what we kept in our underutilized storage cubes and baskets.
It takes me only minutes to put away toys now that they all have a home.
Keep going until you figure out which method of cleaning and organizing works best for you, because dear reader, I don’t want your loved ones to have you removed from your home via crane when you’re old and senile and have forgotten the way to your front door.Was it over the tupperware collection and through the plastic bags or was it under the freebie water bottles and over the Time magazines?
It’s okay to take cleaning shortcuts
I run our robot vacuum every day. You heard me, I have a Roomba, and I love it. I was not always so on board with a robot vacuum (they’re not cheap!), but I’ve become so dependent on my Roomba over the past ten years that I’ll definitely shell out more money to replace it immediately when this one dies. My Roomba vacuums my house EVERY DAY, so I’m still way ahead of the game even if the Roomba doesn’t get corners so well and occasionally eats a sock.
Swiffer mops and dusters, Clorox wipes, and other convenience cleaning items can be worth a little extra expense. I don’t have access to laundry facilities or a a utility area directly in my condo, so it’s unrealistic for me to keep a hoard of wet, dirty cleaning rags or a dirty mop hanging around. I know I can save money by cutting out these convenient indulgences, but realistically I know I won’t clean regularly if it’s more difficult.
Decide what is clean enough for you
I would love to have a spotless kitchen, but I’ll settle for doing the dishes every night. I make the bed and run the Roomba every day without fail. My husband takes out the trash, cat litter, and diaper pail every night. Anything else we accomplish on top of that is gravy.
Maybe your list of what must get done on a daily basis is very long or maybe it’s very short like mine. Whatever you decide works for you is clean enough, and you should be so proud of yourself.
Are there any cleaning tips or tricks that really work for you? Have your perspectives on housekeeping changed over time?
How many times have I read that routine is good for me? How many articles have I read and then ignored about getting up extra early for deep breath sets, calendaring and to-do lists, and unloading the dishwasher first thing in the morning so my kitchen doesn’t look like a hot mess 24/7? Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m not always so great at starting and keeping up with new routines.
Even small changes to my life seem daunting, but big ones–like leaving the stability of one job for another (or like me, to be home with a small child), moving and commuting further, expanding your family, or adopting a healthier lifestyle–can feel overwhelming. So let’s acknowledge the new routines we’ve created in the face of a challenge, and celebrate the bad habits we’ve stopped and the good ones we’ve formed.
Five favorite tools that keep me inspired and motivated to maintain healthy habits:
Some of the following include Amazon affiliate links, which means that if you click on one of the product links and make a purchase, I’ll receive a percentage of that sale at no cost to you. All thoughts and opinions are my own. For a full disclosure statement see my About page.
This app helps me add structure to my day. I like the simplicity of my goals: make the bed, prepare lunches, walk 5k steps, log meals, take a picture. Every day that I complete my tasks feels like a pat on the back. On the days I don’t want to make lunches, I think about this little circle I won’t get to tap and the money I’m going to waste, and it’s just enough incentive to make the trek to the kitchen. It’s easily adaptable for whatever “streak” you want to keep going, whether it’s eating a healthy meal, reading a book, or getting to sleep at a decent time.
I’m not used to having my entire kitchen at my disposal all day long. By using this app I make deliberate decisions about what I eat, rather than snacking indiscriminately all day long. You can choose your level of interaction with the app and its community, and you can set up your profile for maintaining, losing, or gaining weight. It’s simply for calorie counting (in and out), and I appreciate that approach over other diets or plans. There’s a web interface, which is how I initially signed up years ago, but I find the app much easier to use on a daily basis. I use my FitBit One to track my steps in conjunction with logging my exercise on My Fitness Pal, but you can certainly use any activity tracker or an inexpensive pedometer.
The app and web interface are available for free and with premium monthly and yearly upgrades.
I like ticking the little circles when I finish a task.
This built-in iOS app syncs across devices and can be shared with other users. I only recently started meal planning, and I think my success directly relates to communicating easily with my partner about what items we need from the grocery store! We also keep track of coupons and deals on a shared list to maximize our savings. I almost always have my iPhone or iPad nearby so I can remind myself to buy a birthday card, run an errand, and update my shopping list.
There are a lot of features I have yet to explore.
I recently got Evernote with the intention of using it to keep track of weekly spending. Eating out and coffee runs add up, but sharing a note with my partner will hopefully keep us both in check so we don’t go over budget.
This app is one I see so many bloggers talking about because of its versatility. You can incorporate your Feedly with Evernote to read and save posts, organize and brainstorm ideas, and even start notes right there in the app so they’re ready for when you sit down to write.
There are three tiers of service starting from free to 50 bucks a year, and it’s available for desktop and mobile devices.
A good old fashioned journal
Good for: Self-Care, Diet & Exercise, Household & Finance, Blogging, etc.
I love writing. It’s the only thing that keeps me sane. When I can’t get something done, there’s usually a reason why, and it’s almost always mental. So I write it out. It’s also really inspiring to look back in your journal and see how far you’ve come.
I have an entire journal dedicated to KonMari. It’s kept me going on my epic purge! I have a journal where I write about finances. When I get stressed about spending, it’s not really about the money, it’s about whatever I was feeling when I was shopping. Why did I spend $17 on cookies and crackers at Trader Joe’s when I only went in for cream and eggs? Why did I buy a lipstick for $24 when I rarely wear the ones I have?
I like to refer to notes in my journal when I’m working on a blog post. It’s inevitable when you’re journaling that something will pop up that you want to share. I have the above Rifle Paper journals and these Moleskine journals. I love that they are thin so I can have multiple in use for specific projects and topics, and they’re lightweight enough that I can toss a few in my bag when I leave the house.
What inspires and motives you to start and maintain a new routine? I’d love to hear about it!
On Friday morning I was perusing my Twitter feed and followed a link to an article about “wellness” and “clean eating.” I’ve often felt like I must be doing something wrong when people talk about their clean eating habits. (Am I eating “dirty food”?) What’s the big deal with wellness anyway? This trend isn’t really anything new, but this quote struck me like a bolt of lightning:
“But when we advocate, and even insist upon, a diet so restrictive, moralising and inflexible, and market that diet to young women, and then dress it up as self-care: just how responsible is that?”
(A big shout out to my friend Clio for reminding me that Ruby is none other than Great-British-Bake-Off-Ruby. Yes, that one!)
Self-care is a loaded term, but you get the gist of it–it’s whatever we do to maintain our physical, emotional, and mental health–and it seems easy enough to do in theory. But on closer look, maybe it’s not so easy–why else would there be thousands of how-to guides and a cult of diets preying on people desperate to achieve peak health and “wellness”? At best, self-care is acknowledging, naming, or labeling the things we do on a daily basis to get by, and at worst it’s the expectation that we manage our stress so it doesn’t affect others. For example, when I was having a rough day at work and let it show, I’d be chastised to take better care of myself. Now as a new mom, I’m reminded by nearly every blog I read that I can’t be the best mom or a successful person if I don’t take care of myself first. I even throw the word around with friends when we exchange sympathetic and well-meaning texts.
The idea of self-care is lovely, but the practice can be extremely taxing. So instead of preaching about what I think self-care is, I’m going to tell you what it isn’t.
What, when, or how you eat does not change your value as a person even if it changes your dress size.
Self-care isn’t taking on an eating plan that is so restrictive that it stresses me out because I have food on the brain 24/7. Self-care isn’t feeling guilty when I indulge in a scoop of ice cream or three.
I don’t care how full I am, if I’m in San Francisco I have to take a pilgrimage to Bi-Rite Creamery.
I love food. It nourishes my body, mind, and spirit. I love a delicious chunk of cheese, but I also like it in American product, powder, and puff form. I have an evolving relationship with vegetables, one I’ve worked hard at, but I still love chocolate better. Sometimes I’m bigger, and sometimes I’m a bit smaller, but I’m literally always a baller.
What drives some people to accomplishment and success may not work for you, and that’s completely okay.
Self-care isn’t feeling like a failure because I don’t wake up at 5 AM to juice, meditate, and hike.
I’m more of a ‘walk at lunch’ kind of gal.
When I was in the depths of despair, my doctor told me that I could pop a pill to dull the edges and motivate myself to get up before everyone else in the house to go for a run. She told me that I needed a thicker skin and that I could accomplish this if I just took better care of myself. I internally rolled my eyes, quit my job soon thereafter, and never looked back. There are some situations you can’t self-care yourself out of, and that doesn’t make you a failure.
Your home and your life don’t have to be picture perfect.
Self-care isn’t keeping my house effortlessly clean by picking up clutter every time I walk through a room.
My New Year’s resolution was to KonMari my house. For two months the floor of my living room looked like a Container Store. I am still not done decluttering. #ihavehopes
My house is messy. I’m doing the best I can. I have a one year old that thinks it’s fun to throw Cheerios, watermelon, broccoli, and his apple juice on the floor. When I walk through a room I’m usually chasing after my son or trying to get my cat to stop vomiting on the couch. My house is clean when it needs to be, and while I’d like it to be a more frequent occurrence, I’m not going to lose sleep over it.
Adulting and parenting are hard, and there’s no ‘right’ way to do either.
Self-care isn’t regretting that I don’t put on night creams during an elaborate bedtime ritual. Self-care isn’t turning off screens and closing social media an hour before I go to sleep.
Wise words in a Seattle bathroom. “Beauty is worse than wine, it intoxicates both the holder and the beholder.”
I am still working on flossing every night. I’ll move on to night creams by forty, I’m sure. Yeah, I know it’ll be too late by then. Oh well. And to anyone who lays in bed with their little ones, whether it’s for co-sleeping or TV is just the easiest way to get them to sleep, you won’t get any judgement from me. The only time I can read or watch things uninterrupted is when my son is asleep.
Sometimes it’s just about survival.
I think it’s enough to eat Cheetos and watch Netflix on your phone in the dark and feel guilt-free about both. I think it’s enough to take a shower to the sound of your kid wailing in the next room over because they don’t have your attention for five minutes. (They’ll live.) Of course, when you can do better, you will. Maybe in this season of life your self-care is just about survival. There’s always future-you to look forward to, and she has it slightly more together. I hope you take comfort in that, because I sure do.
2016 is already almost half over, and this first blog entry has been on my to-do list for way too long. I guess it’s about time for me to plunge back into blogging. Here goes nothing…
I recently became a stay at home mom. I’m still trying to wrap my head around that. I’m a SAHM, a homemaker, a full time mommy. What? How did that happen? I had a plan when I decided to finally start a family, and this was not in the plan.
My husband and I decided that we were going to be a dual income household. I was going to balance my work and home life. I was going to do the morning drop-offs and evening pick-ups from daycare. I was going to pump in my office so that I could maximize my work time and still provide my baby with breastmilk. I read all the guides on how to survive being a working mom. I made a dozen freezer meals, I toted my pump and parts in a carefully selected messenger bag, I set my alarm extra early. I had a plan. But that plan didn’t work out like I expected. Life went off the rails, and now I’m wandering without a map.
Sunset with my son
Like many women of my generation, I have always worked. I had “my own money,” and never felt guilty about spending it on myself (or saving it). But now I’m living in a new world order: I provide full-time childcare, and my husband goes off to work everyday to support us financially. This is the first time in my life I haven’t received feedback about my performance. Being a stay at home mom is rewarding, but it is also…how can I put this delicately? Thankless. There’s no paycheck at the end of the month, and it’s 24 hours a day/7 days a week. Taking care of my child without the added pressure of a career outside the home is also an enormous privilege, one that I try my hardest not to take for granted. I am so thankful that we are in the position to make this choice, even if it is temporary.
The truth is, and I don’t know how many people admit this openly, I’m often lonely and confused about what I’m doing. Being with a child all day and out of the workforce can feel isolating, but I don’t think it has to be. I want to use this blog to connect to other people who are transitioning into a new phase of life and marveling at the journey. I think I have a lot to learn from all the awesome bloggers out there, and anyone with a unique perspective to share.
I am excited to write about what I’ve learned as a rookie mom, a first time homeowner, and a novice DIYer. I hope to entertain you with stories about my crafting mishaps and happy accidents in the kitchen. I welcome you to take a glimpse at my life–it’s messy, real, and hopefully full of laughter and love. This is a lifestyle blog, but don’t let the title fool you, any charm I have is very much still a work in progress.
